Morgan McCormack

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New York is for the rats

It’s time New York gets the representation it deserves.

Ask Morgan, welcome back edition: From starting new to ending unsure, I’m here to answer all your back to school queries.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Hey Morgan! I’m from a warm-weather state and the slush is dragging down my walk to class, do you have any advice?

Ask Morgan, holiday special edition: How to deal with oversized trees, your boyfriend’s mom

Sometimes the only way to get rid of something is by causing a “little accident.”

Hey Morgan! I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and he just asked to be exclusive. I really like him. The only problem is he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t really go to class that much. What should I do?

 Tell him to lay off the sigma male podcasts.

Hey Morgan! My parents are really bugging me to get a job next semester, but it seems like too much work with all the classes I’m taking. What do I do to get them off my back?

Find "experience" and make it sound important.

Hey Morgan! I got kicked out of school my freshman year but never told my parents. They’ve been sending me tuition money for the last five years and are asking when I’m going to graduate. What should I do?

Identity theft is easier than you think.

Hey, Morgan! I live with my boyfriend, but when we go home to his family, they won’t let us sleep in the same room. What should I do?

My answer is tunnels.

Hey, Morgan! My older sister is really annoying me. She’s obviously my parents' favorite and I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?

Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite.

Hey, Morgan! All my friends went abroad to London this semester, and I’m super lonely. What should I do?

What does London have? Big Ben? As someone with a clock in their pocket, I am not impressed.