I’m sure many of you reading this are “owners” of fancy football clubs. Apparently this is the new Internet craze of millennials. Well I’m here to tell you that this fancy fantasy world you’re all caught up in needs to be brought back to utilitarian reality.
All you wasted slime-birds must know what’s happening this Saturday: the now unofficial, on-the-decline, deflated Mifflin Street Block Party. Oh how the mighty have fallen (likely because of the day drinking). Even after last year’s abysmal turnout, not even Waka Flocka Flame will deter hardcore alcoholics from frolicking through police-filled streets for, well, no reason at all. So for all you (insert typical bro-lingo, plural homophobic expletive here) too afraid to drink until your dignity is gone, check out this list of American Spirit-approved Mifflin alternatives.
Ah, March, what a month. The beginning of spring—snow melts, birds chirp, drunks unfortunately come out of hibernation—when horrible, debilitating seasonal depression finally seems to be evaporating. But for sports fans, March means something else: the return of the annual collegiate basketball tournament.
During my prepubescent years, before I realized the inherent atrocities of consuming prescribed mass media and celebrity garbage, The Grammys meant something to me. Mostly because my mom would make kettle corn. Damn, I love kettle corn.
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Solutions by The State News
